the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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