Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
