just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
