Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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