No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
