We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
