He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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