just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
