Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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