I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
