Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
