I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
