chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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