So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
