Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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