I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
