she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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