she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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