I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
