Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I don't deserve a penis
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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