small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
