True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
