I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize