he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
