make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
