Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
