I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
