My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
