I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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