is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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