Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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