there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm having to shit out rocks
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