If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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