Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize