i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
