Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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