My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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