he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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