I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Is it penis luge time yet?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
