I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
