we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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