i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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