If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
