dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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