Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
