oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
