im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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