I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
