He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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