I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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