i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
