The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
