i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
