It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
