he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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