I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
