Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
