new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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