My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize