MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
