my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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