Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
