Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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