Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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