So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
