Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
