What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
