help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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