I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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