I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
