I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
