Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
