so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
