I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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