youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
