Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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