did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
